Epixome
This is CRAZY LAND.

Oct
24

Steph says I should invite both Erics to Jon’s birthday dinner, so that is what I shall do. Chinese Eric keeps saying how much he wants to see Jon and white Eric every time I talk to him, after all… and that way, Mike and I can also have a ride out there instead of having to take the bus! She doesn’t need or want her old Awana uniform, either – maybe I’ll wash the thing and give it to Auntie Vivian later in case anyone forgets their own uniform! The usual suspect says that his mom and Robert have invited us out for dinner on Sunday; he says it’s short notice, but it really isn’t. However, I still haven’t managed to find that wig, so maybe it is in this case?

Oct
23

The Canucks played the Blues at 5 in Ryan Miller’s return to St. Louis, and it was a 4-1 win complete with an empty-net goal!


Your Lost Dream Guy is Hurley

You are by no means superficial. You love a guy for who he is.
So the fact that Hurley is totally loaded would not factor in for you… truly!

You’re interested in Hurley’s wit and his pure heart. Those are qualities hard to find in anyone.
You know that Hurley can do amazing things once he comes out of his shell. He’s definitely a guy with potential!

Oct
23

Top 28 Cool Russian Names: Dazdraperma, Dazdranagon, Traktor, Iskra, Vaterpezhekosma, Kukutsapol, Avanchel, Diktatura, Ideya, Uryurvkos, Luna, Raketa, Energiya, Zolushka, Rossiya, BOCH pVF 260602, Login, Olimpiada, Gospodin, Mir, Tsvetochek, Solnyshko, Tsezar, Mark Aurelius, Kosmos, India, Vishnya, and Viagra

I told Corey last night on Gmail chat that I’d left my computer on for about four nights in a row, and it hadn’t exploded yet! He said that his computer had been on for years now, haha. We talked about CLASH OF CLANS, RISE OF NATIONS, and the guy on Facebook whom I’d found with the same name / high school / university / current city in Taiwan as him. Eventually, I added him; he was of course going to deny me with some rude message, but Facebook said that I wouldn’t know if he rejected the request or not, haha. That’s him, all right! At least I finally finished ALL aspects of the Doctor Unheimlich project at 2 AM, so now I can play MOTHER 3 again!

This morning, I got up at 11 to find out that Sexy Undo Close Tab was back. Since I don’t need the confusion of two very similar extensions, I removed it after I finished the drops in a bottle of sesame oil. Barry picked me up at 1, and I did my banking before going to Price Smart. I bought on-sale limited edition TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE Kraft Dinner x4 (Michaelangelo / Donatello / Leonardo / Raphael), on-sale Kraft Dinner deluxe Velveeta shells and cheese, black pepper XO sauce noodles, on-sale Nissin noodles (sesame oil / beef / tonkotsu), bananas, and an on-sale bottle of Coke for rum and Coke purposes. Also purchased on-sale Sidekicks pasta (Tomato Alfredo / Creamy Chicken Fusili / Three Cheese), on-sale Sidekicks rice (Country Mushroom x2 / Mexican Rice), on-sale store brand juice (mango / apple / orange), pork and vegetable dumplings, chicken and vegetable dumplings x2, almond milk x2, and pink Excel White gum x3. While there, I was worried that I wouldn’t have money for my phone bill, but then remembered that I’d taken care of Telus months ago, so now I’ve taken care of everything right after payday! WOOHOO! At home, I managed to re-purpose a container for all the boxed stuff.

Velveeta Shells and Cheese! (not the one I got, but still…)

Oct
23

Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zaahiraa’s Lurgy
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: sudden brittle bones, crying, excessive blood in urine, extremely orange blotches
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZakMcKracken’s Syndrome
Cause: bee sting
Symptoms: excessive chi imbalance, fingernail lengthening, smiling, vague terror
Cure: take a dozen sprigs of belladonna every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zarex’s Disorder
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: slightly grey saliva, drooping eyelids, grunting, puncture wounds
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zatty76’s Lurgy
Cause: unknown
Symptoms: frequent loss of dress sense, long hair, anxiety, dilation of pupils
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZDeschanel’s Disease
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: metallic skin, mild shoulder pain, excessive bowel infrequency, whitening of teeth
Cure: drink one and a half pints of beer every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zeblith’s Disease
Cause: spread by rats
Symptoms: occasional lust, squeaky voice, receding gums
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zefirynosis
Cause: poor hygiene
Symptoms: shivering, skin whitening, frequent fear, stripey stools
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZefirynAndRath’s Disorder
Cause: allergy to squirty cream
Symptoms: revolving neck, space alien bursting from stomach, heartburn
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zenhex’s Syndrome
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: belching, turning to stone, mild memory loss, frequent joint pain
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZephyrB0i’s Disorder
Cause: cursed Japanese video
Symptoms: dry eyes, sweating, extra ribs, urine retention
Cure: take a few leeches before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZephyrCrowitis
Cause: exposure to radiation
Symptoms: anger, flushing, leaning at 45 degrees
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zera82’s Lurgy
Cause: exposure to radiation
Symptoms: euphoria, glimpses of underlying reality, stigmata
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zhelana’s Lurgy
Cause: monkey bite
Symptoms: mildly impaired vision, dancing, photophobia
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Ziggens’ Disease
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: excess saliva, polka-dot skin, sores
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZimsMadness’ Disorder
Cause: a blow to the head
Symptoms: sparks, fangs, mildly orange saliva
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zipzu’s Disorder
Cause: zombie attack
Symptoms: sudden metallic skin, tongue forking, extreme bowel incontinence
Cure: drink more tea
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zoftzoapitis
Cause: overwork
Symptoms: beeping, grunting, muscle spasms, mild earache
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZoeWWELoverosis
Cause: stress
Symptoms: abdominal swelling, confusion, excessive smell of brimstone
Cure: take two anti-depressants and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zoltrix’s Disease
Cause: running too fast
Symptoms: vague dehydration, hissing, breathing difficulties
Cure: take two paracetamol every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zombified’s Syndrome
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: frequent loss of dress sense, tooth lengthening, dancing, jaw dislocation
Cure: fresh air
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zombie66itis
Cause: early mornings
Symptoms: electric shocks, occasional heartburn, leg swelling, extreme loss of dress sense
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zorron’s Disorder
Cause: cursed amulet
Symptoms: turning to stone, slightly collapsed lungs, slightly blotchy skin
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZuluWarriorFred’s Disorder
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: steam whistling from ears, bowel incontinence, beeping, vestigial extra head
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zume’s Syndrome
Cause: mobile phone radiation
Symptoms: ability to fly, coordination problems, mild inability to pronounce letter ‘c’
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zurideaosis
Cause: peer pressure
Symptoms: black eyes, sudden hair loss, night terrors, vague paralysis
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zxcvpoiu’s Lurgy
Cause: spaceborne bacteria
Symptoms: humming, pustules, automatic writing
Cure: eat more chicken
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zyada’s Disorder
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: mildly black urine, paranoia, metallic skin, walking like an Egyptian
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Zyzzyxzyyxy’s Syndrome
Cause: old library books
Symptoms: death, hairy legs, frequent confusion
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZZ_LJAbuseitis
Cause: a blow to the head
Symptoms: glowing eyes, lumps, red skin
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZZZ_Gobbles’ Disorder
Cause: genetically-modified squirty cream
Symptoms: shouting, hand swelling, glowing eyes, slightly temporary invisibility
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ZZZZ_HugeDongs’ Disorder
Cause: smoking
Symptoms: drowsiness, slightly impaired hearing, lumps
Cure: take a few spoons of cod liver oil before going to bed
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:
Oct
23
Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yakusoku_Shouri’s Lurgy
Cause: psychological
Symptoms: frequent sores, sudden muscle spasms, walking like an Egyptian, frequent fear of the number thirteen
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yamantha’s Lurgy
Cause: cursed Japanese video
Symptoms: squinting, euphoria, extremely high blood-alcohol level
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yay4MyKnickers’ Syndrome
Cause: running too fast
Symptoms: frequent constipation, sleepwalking, hissing, coordination problems
Cure: attempt to repeat cause
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YayForTheGayosis
Cause: exposure to radiation
Symptoms: occasional breast pain, chills, occasional flatulence, dry mouth
Cure: exercise
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YayMatt’s Disease
Cause: allergy to toothpaste
Symptoms: seeing dead people, hissing, ankle swelling, mild electric shocks
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yazoo66’s Disorder
Cause: peer pressure
Symptoms: fingernail lengthening, excess of money, vague seizures, vague bowel infrequency
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yeah_Bananaosis
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: hypochondria, bendy arms, frequent paralysis
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YesFX’s Syndrome
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: extremely bendy arms, enhanced vision, drooling, extreme foot numbness
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yesterdays_Lust’s Disorder
Cause: just one of those things
Symptoms: mildly crossed eyes, leaning at 45 degrees, vague fangs, dilation of pupils
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YNR’s Disease
Cause: lack of burgers
Symptoms: pacing, screaming, hypothermia, bowel incontinence
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YogaClass4Catsitis
Cause: allergy to chocolate
Symptoms: frequent lumps, extreme vestigial extra head, mild hives, brain shrinkage
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YosemiteSam’s Lurgy
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: slightly squeaky voice, hand swelling, floating hair, enhanced vision
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yoshioitis
Cause: early mornings
Symptoms: aphasia, extremely polka-dot blood, sneezing
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
You_Are_A_Troll’s Syndrome
Cause: overwork
Symptoms: tufts of hair, neck swelling, grey skin, bowel incontinence
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
You_Are_Not_Meitis
Cause: watching too much television
Symptoms: frequent coordination problems, mildly puce saliva, hydrophobia
Cure: take one and a half leeches every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YouAreMyBlood’s Lurgy
Cause: genetic mutation
Symptoms: fear of drowning, nose extension, occasional panic attacks, skin whitening
Cure: drink lots of water
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YouAreTheMusic’s Disorder
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: face blurring when photographed, vague suicidal thoughts, bad poetry
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YouMakeMeGiddy’s Disorder
Cause: genetically-modified mushrooms
Symptoms: hand swelling, face blurring when photographed, occasional chills
Cure: drink seven pints of beer with meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Your_Elbowosis
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: occasional wrist pain, imperceptible temporary invisibility, being unable to close mouth, acidic blood
Cure: eat more chicken
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YourChemicalsitis
Cause: pollen
Symptoms: occasional feather growth, mild pimples, panic attacks
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YourNewRomance’s Lurgy
Cause: smoking
Symptoms: extremely bendy arms, abdominal pain, skin lesions, tooth lengthening
Cure: drink one and a half pints of beer every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yours_For_Life’s Lurgy
Cause: overconsumption of burgers
Symptoms: occasional reflective shots, back pain, extremely swollen appendix, occasional suicidal thoughts
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YourShadeosis
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: occasional fear of drowning, neck swelling, foot swelling
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YouSaidLogosis
Cause: old library books
Symptoms: dolphin noises, sore throat, muscle spasms, mild memory loss
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YouThinkitis
Cause: genetically-modified oranges
Symptoms: feverishness, leg numbness, excessive terror, swollen appendix
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YouTubeosis
Cause: early mornings
Symptoms: tooth lengthening, extremely polka-dot urine, absenteeism
Cure: eat more civet cats
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yruugrrlosis
Cause: running too fast
Symptoms: extreme loss of weight, excessive loss of libido, occasional tentacle growth
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yuffie’s Disease
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: excessive panic attacks, metallic spots, vestigial extra head, hovering
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yukiponosis
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: sudden tooth loss, fangs, wing growth
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
YummyDeb’s Syndrome
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: bone pain, joint pain, extremely dry eyes
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Yurasama_Love’s Disorder
Cause: spread by rats
Symptoms: clicking sounds, paralysis, going bump in the night
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:
Oct
23

Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X__WatchAndLurnitis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: feather growth, extremely cloudy urine, face blurring when photographed
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Breakdown’s Syndrome
Cause: mobile phone radiation
Symptoms: tooth lengthening, excessive pale skin, occasional tooth loss, being able to fire webs from wrists
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Earthgirl_X’s Lurgy
Cause: overwork
Symptoms: wrist swelling, dry skin, pustules
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Hollow_Xitis
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: brain swelling, vomiting blood, extremely mauve ears
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Luminescence’s Syndrome
Cause: unknown
Symptoms: loss of dress sense, frequent bowel movements, occasional jaw dislocation
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Marissahhosis
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: slightly rosy cheeks, hand tremors, slightly high blood-alcohol level, mildly pointy ears
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Teh_Fashionitis
Cause: bee sting
Symptoms: warts, tufts of hair, fingernail lengthening
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xallixitis
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: screaming, appetite changes, grimacing
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xamonthiene’s Lurgy
Cause: viral
Symptoms: speaking in tongues, steam whistling from ears, screaming, vague tongue retraction
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xanthososis
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: dolphin noises, winking, ringing in the ears, depression
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XaosWolfitis
Cause: improperly prepared alcohol
Symptoms: long hair, rosy cheeks, neck lengthening
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XBennXosis
Cause: natural sign of aging
Symptoms: sores, fear, arm numbness
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XCareBearLvrXitis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: -1 Strength, -2 Charisma, excess saliva, vague long hair, metallic spots
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XDearClaudioXosis
Cause: a blow to the head
Symptoms: itching, leaning at 45 degrees, itching
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xdtlax’s Lurgy
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: embarrassing noises, wheezing, extreme arm numbness, sarcasm
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XeniaJoy’s Syndrome
Cause: just one of those things
Symptoms: anxiety, terror, ankle swelling
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xerro’s Syndrome
Cause: a significant alignment of the stars
Symptoms: foot swelling, jaw dislocation, occasional earache, collapsed lungs
Cure: take three anti-depressants every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XIBakeCakesitis
Cause: computer virus
Symptoms: mild chi imbalance, night terrors, vomiting, whistling
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XInvalidX’s Syndrome
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: occasional hair growth, revolving neck, vague feather growth, leaning at 45 degrees
Cure: drink four cups of tea a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XJetGirlXosis
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: vague fear, hovering, dizziness
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XKidMidnightXosis
Cause: running too fast
Symptoms: excessive smell of brimstone, extra legs, dry eyes
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XKissikX’s Syndrome
Cause: old library books
Symptoms: hair tangling, spontaneous combustion, flashing eyes
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XKissMeKillMeXosis
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: narcolepsy, vague acidic blood, enhanced vision, extreme breast pain
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XMaizieX13osis
Cause: bee sting
Symptoms: grimacing, knee swelling, aggression
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XMonkeyDust’s Syndrome
Cause: genetically-modified salt
Symptoms: gills, bleeding gums, sudden 80s haircut
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XMonkeyMeat’s Lurgy
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: extremely beige skin, hand tremors, hearing voices
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xm00nfireX’s Disorder
Cause: computer virus
Symptoms: sores, phantom pregnancy, chi imbalance, frequent dislike of modern architecture
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XNikki118Xosis
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: squawking, sores, walking like an Egyptian
Cure: take two leeches every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XOrangeDuckyX’s Lurgy
Cause: a significant alignment of the stars
Symptoms: extremely rosy cheeks, peeling skin, Guy Fawking of the leg, slightly impaired vision
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XOSecretsOX’s Lurgy
Cause: peer pressure
Symptoms: bushy eyebrows, vague second-degree burns, sudden tunnel vision
Cure: take three ibuprofen every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XOX_Spicey_XOX’s Syndrome
Cause: stress
Symptoms: face swelling, Hitler mustache, hand swelling
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xploderosis
Cause: lack of alcohol
Symptoms: frequent Hitler mustache, skin whitening, loss of libido
Cure: eat more sausages
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xploder12’s Disorder
Cause: genetically-modified chewing gum
Symptoms: gargling, arm numbness, hairy legs
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XPinkFridayXosis
Cause: a significant alignment of the stars
Symptoms: abdominal pain, excessive listlessness, glimpses of underlying reality
Cure: take two ibuprofen and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XPrivate_EyeX’s Lurgy
Cause: natural sign of aging
Symptoms: frequent sores, metallic spots, whistling
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XSevenXGatesX’s Syndrome
Cause: spaceborne bacteria
Symptoms: black hair, enlarged liver and spleen, polka-dot irises
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XSimplyPerfectXosis
Cause: early mornings
Symptoms: déjà vu, extremely chapped lips, talking like a pirate
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XSuperGoddessX’s Disease
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: lust, ankle swelling, extreme shoulder pain
Cure: fresh air
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XSweatPeaX’s Lurgy
Cause: stress
Symptoms: appetite changes, extremely blocked nose, red skin, occasional acidic blood
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XThePyrorosis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: necrosis, vague halo, glimpses of underlying reality, wing growth
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xtreyu’s Lurgy
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: vague dislike of modern architecture, mild reflective shots, hair tangling, sudden loss of libido
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XUntitledXosis
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: extremely watery eyes, extreme electric shocks, frequent tunnel vision, blinking
Cure: take four shots of morphine and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XVividXDreamsXitis
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: sudden anger, skin whitening, frequent lack of reflection in mirrors
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXCandyPantsXXitis
Cause: lack of honey
Symptoms: drooping eyelids, ringing in the ears, seizures, death
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXHistrionicXX’s Lurgy
Cause: overconsumption of burgers
Symptoms: occasional reflective shots, back pain, extremely swollen appendix, occasional suicidal thoughts
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXM0rbidLust’s Syndrome
Cause: smoking
Symptoms: squawking, hand swelling, sudden facial hair
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXPatienceXXitis
Cause: poor hygiene
Symptoms: insomnia, sudden constipation, walking like an Egyptian
Cure: consume more alcohol
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXRosencrantzXX’s Disease
Cause: viral
Symptoms: buzzing noises, cloudy urine, speaking in tongues
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXTriplesXX’s Disease
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: blurred vision, gargling, frequent tallness, dancing
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Oct
23

Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wobby’s Lurgy
Cause: genetically-modified toothpaste
Symptoms: sudden aversion to bright light, drooling, slightly crossed eyes
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WolfPup76osis
Cause: Egyptian curse
Symptoms: neck swelling, occasional metallic skin, dehydration
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WolfTeaPartyitis
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: leg numbness, low blood pressure, vague space alien bursting from stomach, bowel infrequency
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WonderDuck’s Disease
Cause: peer pressure
Symptoms: glowing aura, hypothermia, sweating, tongue forking
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WonderWomanHeroitis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: metallic spots, vague bursts of flame, feather growth
Cure: attempt to repeat cause
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WondrousBeautyosis
Cause: viral
Symptoms: mild knee pain, hand swelling, reflective shots
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WongJustinitis
Cause: exposure to radiation
Symptoms: sudden bursts of flame, electric shocks, extremely blotchy skin, seeing dead people
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wood_Dragon’s Lurgy
Cause: spaceborne bacteria
Symptoms: talking like a pirate, mild lust, extremely pointy ears
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wordscraper’s Lurgy
Cause: smoking
Symptoms: death, anxiety, glowing in the dark
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WordsWithFriends’ Disorder
Cause: lack of junk food
Symptoms: breathing difficulties, bushy eyebrows, gastrointestinal bleeding
Cure: fresh air
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
World’s Disease
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: headaches, rapid heartbeat, howling at the moon
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WorthlessUnited’s Disease
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: dancing, glimpses of underlying reality, speaking in tongues
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WraithOfHell’s Disease
Cause: overconsumption of tea
Symptoms: frequent sparks, knee swelling, squeaky voice, lockjaw
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WrathChild’s Disorder
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: sudden toe pain, excessive tufts of hair, sweating
Cure: take a dozen anti-depressants every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Writer’s_Blockitis
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: hand numbness, imperceptibly bushy eyebrows, neck lengthening, drooling
Cure: take two ibuprofen and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Writer’sBlock’s Disorder
Cause: cursed Japanese video
Symptoms: water retention, revolving neck, premature greying
Cure: smoke two cigarettes before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WriterGrlitis
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: extreme toe pain, squawking, pointy ears
Cure: take two aspirin every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WTFOhNoesosis
Cause: genetically-modified alcohol
Symptoms: invisibility, -1 Strength, -2 Charisma, floating hair, occasional feverishness
Cure: take four purple crystals and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WTFOMG’s Lurgy
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: premature greying, hallucinations, 80s haircut, coughing
Cure: take four vitamin C tablets with meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WufeiDragon’s Lurgy
Cause: lack of toothpaste
Symptoms: mild headaches, watery eyes, drooping eyelids, watery eyes
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WunderAliceLand’s Disease
Cause: the wrong type of snow
Symptoms: excess saliva, excessive bladder pain, slightly chapped lips
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wurby’s Disorder
Cause: lack of sleep
Symptoms: redness of nose, extremely dry eyes, extreme sparks, nausea
Cure: take a few sprigs of belladonna and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WutsCooking’s Disease
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: spontaneous combustion, arm pain, extremely collapsed lungs, excessive brittle bones
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WXPlotterosis
Cause: viral
Symptoms: terror, drooping eyelids, vague sarcasm, brittle bones
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WyattGwyon’s Disease
Cause: mobile phone radiation
Symptoms: mild chest pain, occasional forgetfulness, vague feather growth, excessive rotten teeth
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wyld_Dandelyonitis
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: gurgling, vague gullibility, humming
Cure: attempt to repeat cause
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WyldKyss’ Disorder
Cause: a blow to the head
Symptoms: blood in urine, chills, sudden fear of the number thirteen, slightly black hair
Cure: trepanning
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Oct
23

Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WanaBNik’s Lurgy
Cause: viral
Symptoms: gullibility, beeping, occasional acne
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WanderLusty’s Disorder
Cause: just one of those things
Symptoms: nausea, mildly glow-in-the-dark blotches, imperceptibly impaired hearing
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WannaBeLikeMike’s Lurgy
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: cockney accent, frequent dilation of pupils, sneezing
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WarmHardJelloitis
Cause: unknown
Symptoms: vertigo, buzzing noises, mild inability to turn neck, bushy eyebrows
Cure: exercise
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Washteosis
Cause: unknown
Symptoms: excessive appetite changes, excessive stigmata, brain shrinkage
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Warren_Ellis’ Syndrome
Cause: spread by rats
Symptoms: aggression, slightly low blood pressure, enhanced vision, hypothermia
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WatersAreDeeposis
Cause: stress
Symptoms: tufts of hair, shouting, excessive chest pain, frequent flaccidity
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WaveThatFlag’s Syndrome
Cause: spaceborne bacteria
Symptoms: earache, slightly mauve urine, hand numbness, redness of nose
Cure: take a few leeches and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Waynester76’s Disease
Cause: lack of fish
Symptoms: confusion, metallic skin, abdominal pain, mildly grey skin
Cure: take four anti-depressants every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WeaponX2032’s Disease
Cause: drug abuse
Symptoms: extreme inability to pronounce letter ‘c’, collapsed lungs, bleeding gums
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WearingABeanie’s Disease
Cause: overconsumption of cola
Symptoms: slightly high temperature, swarms of bees, going bump in the night
Cure: drink seven glasses of water and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WeatherGuy80’s Syndrome
Cause: falling over
Symptoms: foot swelling, beige ears, occasional water retention, frequent toe numbness
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WeenieRoastXL’s Syndrome
Cause: overwork
Symptoms: gastrointestinal bleeding, vague indigestion, nice dreams, flushing
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WeenPhiend’s Syndrome
Cause: natural sign of aging
Symptoms: slightly chapped lips, tufts of hair, ability to fly, mildly stripey spots
Cure: exercise
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Weevitis
Cause: running too fast
Symptoms: breast pain, hair tangling, high temperature
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WeHaveArrived’s Disorder
Cause: Egyptian curse
Symptoms: breast pain, sudden anger, vomiting
Cure: take three spoons of cod liver oil every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WeirdInMySchoolosis
Cause: a significant alignment of the stars
Symptoms: peeling skin, facial hair, premature greying, steam whistling from ears
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Weise’s Syndrome
Cause: running too fast
Symptoms: premature greying, tentacle growth, hallucinations
Cure: drink four pints of beer before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WelfChild’s Disease
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: mild iris colour-changes, dolphin noises, hair tangling
Cure: eat more toothpaste
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Welfy’s Disease
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: buzzing noises, foot numbness, mild ability to fly, toe numbness
Cure: take two vitamin C tablets every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wellah’s Syndrome
Cause: computer virus
Symptoms: shivering, puncture wounds, dry mouth, being able to fire webs from wrists
Cure: attempt to repeat cause
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WentzBarosis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: facial paralysis, sudden knee pain, swollen appendix, nose extension
Cure: exercise
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WeSaturn’s Disorder
Cause: self-abuse
Symptoms: extreme blindness, sudden leg pain, bursts of flame, leg numbness
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wessckaitis
Cause: watching too much television
Symptoms: drooping eyelids, black irises, tongue swelling, mild chest pain
Cure: take a hundred sprigs of belladonna every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WestBeilSchmidt’s Disorder
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: long hair, redness of nose, extreme levitation, slightly scaly skin
Cure: take two Viagra tablets a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WesternEyes’ Lurgy
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: frequent fear, heartburn, extra ribs, extremely high temperature
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WesWilson’s Lurgy
Cause: spread by rats
Symptoms: swearing, dilation of pupils, red urine
Cure: take five aspirin before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WhattaVick’s Disease
Cause: spread by rats
Symptoms: stiffness, slightly pointy ears, occasional anxiety
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WheresMyHeadAt’s Lurgy
Cause: lack of bread
Symptoms: Guy Fawking of the leg, occasional cannibalism, appetite changes
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WhimsicalZephyr’s Disorder
Cause: poor hygiene
Symptoms: bowel incontinence, shivering, laughing, pale skin
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WhistlePigosis
Cause: lack of fish
Symptoms: grey skin, blotchy skin, nausea
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WhisperedSighs’ Disease
Cause: mobile phone radiation
Symptoms: reflective shots, mildly scaly skin, hair tangling, being able to fire webs from wrists
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WhiteGirlThinitis
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: beeping, blood powdering, headaches, frequent 80s haircut
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WhiteOrchids’ Disease
Cause: lack of burgers in diet
Symptoms: cranial bloating, metallic skin, mild reflective shots, hand swelling
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WhiteWaveX’s Lurgy
Cause: a blow to the head
Symptoms: mild metallic spots, extreme suicidal thoughts, extremely high blood-alcohol level
Cure: drink lots of water
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Whitnaaaaay’s Syndrome
Cause: cursed Japanese video
Symptoms: forgetting what day it is, 80s haircut, knee pain, tooth loss
Cure: exercise
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WhoHah’s Disorder
Cause: lack of sleep
Symptoms: sudden smell of brimstone, sudden chest hair growth, skin whitening, tallness
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Why_A_Duck’s Disorder
Cause: old library books
Symptoms: sudden bowel incontinence, temperature sensitivity, mildly enlarged liver and spleen, invisibility
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WickedWizard789’s Lurgy
Cause: zombie attack
Symptoms: occasional pale skin, slightly squeaky voice, occasional hair growth, incontinence
Cure: take one and a half sprigs of belladonna and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wickey29’s Syndrome
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: embarrassing noises, excessive insomnia, lockjaw, receding gums
Cure: take two Viagra tablets before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WidderTwinitis
Cause: mobile phone radiation
Symptoms: extremely bendy arms, slightly blocked nose, hyperactivity
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wide_Ocean’s Syndrome
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: horn growth on forehead, froglike eyes, dry mouth, mildly grey spots
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wigu’s Disorder
Cause: mobile phone radiation
Symptoms: regurgitation, hair tangling, excessive abdominal pain, ability to fly
Cure: fresh air
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wikipedia’s Syndrome
Cause: a significant alignment of the stars
Symptoms: occasional glimpses of underlying reality, coughing, acidic blood, lockjaw
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WildCatz’s Disease
Cause: unknown
Symptoms: horn growth on forehead, terror, face blurring when photographed, rapid heartbeat
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WilderThan’s Lurgy
Cause: psychological
Symptoms: brain swelling, extremely hairy legs, frequent French accent, knee swelling
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WildHuckleBerryitis
Cause: poor hygiene
Symptoms: imperceptibly white hair, sniffing, temperature sensitivity, déjà vu
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Willemoaitis
Cause: caught in hospitals
Symptoms: excessive smell of brimstone, screaming, watery eyes, mild invisibility
Cure: take four anti-depressants every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Willi22’s Disease
Cause: self-abuse
Symptoms: fingernail biting, vague second-degree burns, acidic blood, cranial bloating
Cure: drink more chocolate
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WilliamMiller’s Disease
Cause: lack of salt in diet
Symptoms: urine retention, invisibility, hearing voices, extremely swollen lymph nodes
Cure: take seven anti-depressants a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WilsonODK’s Disease
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: slightly urinary pain, glowing in the dark, inability to turn neck
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Window_Seatitis
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: frequent déjà vu, smiling, tongue retraction
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WindRitual’s Disorder
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: vomiting blood, wheezing, whitening of teeth
Cure: eat more broccoli
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Winnowill2osis
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: fingernail biting, shouting, grunting
Cure: attempt to repeat cause
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WinterLion’s Lurgy
Cause: lack of sausages
Symptoms: mania, blocked nose, loss of weight
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wished4This’ Disease
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: déjà vu, frequent gills, excessive shrunken head
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WishIWasY0u’s Syndrome
Cause: pollen
Symptoms: blurred vision, sudden muscle spasms, eyelid swelling
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Witchosis
Cause: smoking
Symptoms: brain shrinkage, anger, mild extra toes, occasional feverishness
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WitlessOWhitmanitis
Cause: stress
Symptoms: face blurring when photographed, flashing eyes, excessive loss of libido, bushy eyebrows
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WittyFish’s Syndrome
Cause: allergy to cheese
Symptoms: frequent necrosis, diarrhea, forgetfulness
Cure: attempt to repeat cause
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Wizard’s Lurgy
Cause: bad wax fruit
Symptoms: being able to fire webs from wrists, hair loss, tongue swelling, long hair
Cure: take three potions of extra healing and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
WizzArt’s Syndrome
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: vague murderous rage, spitting, bone pain
Cure: prayer
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Oct
23

Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Valintiin’s Lurgy
Cause: exposure to radiation
Symptoms: heartburn, necrosis, belching
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Valkeakuulas’ Syndrome
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: mild hair growth, being unable to close mouth, squawking
Cure: take five pinches of snuff with meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ValueHost’s Disease
Cause: pollen
Symptoms: beeping, arm numbness, bone pain
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
ValydiaRosada’s Lurgy
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: frequent sparks, sudden dementia, mild hair loss
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VanaEverYoungitis
Cause: old library books
Symptoms: extreme loss of dress sense, swearing, excessive restlessness, low blood pressure
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vanilla’s Syndrome
Cause: thinking too hard
Symptoms: aphasia, vague gills, mildly squeaky voice, eyelid swelling
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vanilla_Pepsitis
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: tiredness, phantom pregnancy, bruising, drooping eyelids
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VanishTheStarsosis
Cause: thinking too hard
Symptoms: ability to fly, hair loss, excessive tufts of hair
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VanquishedArtosis
Cause: lack of sleep
Symptoms: walking like a zombie, extremely grey urine, sleepwalking
Cure: fresh air
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VapourTrail’s Disease
Cause: running too fast
Symptoms: mild tongue retraction, impaired hearing, mild French accent, frequent elbow pain
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VebelFetzeritis
Cause: natural sign of aging
Symptoms: excessive absenteeism, frequent American accent, black vomit, frequent abdominal pain
Cure: exercise
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vegasaurus’ Lurgy
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: extreme gullibility, howling at the moon, revolving neck
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VehiclesShockMe’s Syndrome
Cause: eating spicy food
Symptoms: shrunken head, blurred vision, punning
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VeilOfVeronica’s Lurgy
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: hair tangling, enlarged liver and spleen, finger pain
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Veloria’s Syndrome
Cause: Egyptian curse
Symptoms: whistling, occasional puncture wounds, hand swelling
Cure: attempt to repeat cause
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Velvet_Hologram’s Syndrome
Cause: bee sting
Symptoms: black eyes, sweating, rosy cheeks
Cure: take seven Viagra tablets every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Velvetitis
Cause: cursed amulet
Symptoms: peeling skin, extremely impaired vision, foot swelling, depression
Cure: take four Prozac tablets a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VelvetUndertone’s Syndrome
Cause: spaceborne bacteria
Symptoms: tongue swelling, bushy eyebrows, coordination problems, sudden halo
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Veracity’s Lurgy
Cause: poor hygiene
Symptoms: black spots, sudden tooth loss, wrist swelling
Cure: drink five cups of tea before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Verifunctionitis
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: frequent fangs, clicking sounds, absenteeism, temporary invisibility
Cure: take a few ibuprofen every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Version2osis
Cause: overwork
Symptoms: slightly impaired hearing, incontinence, extreme anger
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vetur’s Lurgy
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: slightly excess saliva, excessive tongue retraction, flaccidity, occasional levitation
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vicky15’s Lurgy
Cause: cursed amulet
Symptoms: gastrointestinal bleeding, excessive blisters, hissing
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VicStarsky’s Disorder
Cause: overwork
Symptoms: frequent sore throat, occasional electric shocks, embarrassing noises
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Victor_Szaszosis
Cause: bad celery
Symptoms: impaired hearing, -1 Strength, -2 Charisma, nose extension, cloudy urine
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VigorMortusosis
Cause: monkey bite
Symptoms: Guy Fawking of the leg, vague blisters, extremely watery eyes
Cure: smoke seven cigarettes with meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Village_Idiot’s Disorder
Cause: monkey bite
Symptoms: elbow pain, extra legs, excess saliva
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VioletChristmas’ Lurgy
Cause: mobile phone radiation
Symptoms: brain shrinkage, being unable to close mouth, neck shortening
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Violue’s Disease
Cause: a blow to the head
Symptoms: winking, gills, turning into a wolf
Cure: take a hundred anti-depressants before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Viperitis
Cause: caught in hospitals
Symptoms: occasional constipation, invisibility, panic attacks, extremely impaired hearing
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vipper’s Disease
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: sudden gills, gullibility, occasional electric shocks, beige saliva
Cure: drink one and a half cups of tea every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VisceralDoll’s Disorder
Cause: lack of sleep
Symptoms: high blood-alcohol level, insomnia, rotten teeth, neck shortening
Cure: take one and a half pinches of snuff and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VitaminAcetone’s Syndrome
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: ringing in the ears, seizures, hovering, swearing
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VividShimmer’s Syndrome
Cause: stress
Symptoms: beeping, mild liver pain, coughing up blood, vertigo
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VixenErica’s Disease
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: face blurring when photographed, revolving neck, ability to fly
Cure: take three purple crystals with meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vodka_____Tango’s Lurgy
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: squawking, tongue swelling, frequent nose extension
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VodkaBeforeNoon’s Disease
Cause: pollen
Symptoms: mild memory loss, insomnia, aphasia, dry mouth
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Void_Reality’s Disease
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: brittle bones, coordination problems, revolving neck, bleeding gums
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vomited’s Disorder
Cause: genetically-modified absinthe
Symptoms: hearing voices, occasional breast pain, extremely collapsed lungs
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
VomitGirl’s Syndrome
Cause: old library books
Symptoms: urinary pain, dementia, walking like an Egyptian
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Voonplatz’s Syndrome
Cause: drug abuse
Symptoms: chest hair growth, dislike of modern architecture, mild tongue retraction, vague horn growth on forehead
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vorpalitis
Cause: thinking too hard
Symptoms: grey blood, howling at the moon, abdominal swelling, occasional toe numbness
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vowthorn’s Disease
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: frequent second-degree burns, excessive smell of brimstone, sore throat, absenteeism
Cure: smoke two cigarettes before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Vulgar_Shudder’s Disease
Cause: pollen
Symptoms: gargling, 80s haircut, nightmares, skin lesions
Cure: drink lots of water
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Oct
22

Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Uber_Troll’s Syndrome
Cause: monkey bite
Symptoms: frequent tentacle growth, neck lengthening, forgetfulness
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Ujiekitis
Cause: genetic mutation
Symptoms: extremely pointy ears, shouting, stiffness, hair loss
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Umeko_Pyon’s Syndrome
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: mild anxiety, foot swelling, occasional tongue retraction
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Umop_Ap!sdn’s Lurgy
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: walking like an Egyptian, night terrors, coughing, frequent incontinence
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Un_Emo_Kidosis
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: extremely watery eyes, extreme electric shocks, frequent tunnel vision, blinking
Cure: take four shots of morphine and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unaboard’s Disorder
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: excessive paralysis, steam whistling from ears, delusions
Cure: take a dozen placebo tablets every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unconventional’s Disorder
Cause: poor hygiene
Symptoms: incontinence, groin swelling, occasional fear, wheezing
Cure: take a dozen shots of morphine a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Und1sk0osis
Cause: viral
Symptoms: frequent muscle spasms, vague foot numbness, frequent nosebleeds, howling at the moon
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Understateditis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: bleeding gums, vague pyromania, walking like an Egyptian, cloudy urine
Cure: take two spoons of cough medicine before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UnicycleChick’s Lurgy
Cause: cursed amulet
Symptoms: feather growth, nosebleeds, electric shocks, steam whistling from ears
Cure: take two purple crystals a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UniquelyNormal’s Lurgy
Cause: monkey bite
Symptoms: excessive bursts of flame, wheezing, grimacing
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UniquelyStupid’s Disease
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: going bump in the night, face swelling, levitation
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UnjustSociety’s Disorder
Cause: watching too much television
Symptoms: foaming at the mouth, panic attacks, extremely crossed eyes, coughing
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unknown_LJ_User’s Lurgy
Cause: computer virus
Symptoms: mildly dry skin, humming, extreme constipation
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UnprettyMe’s Disease
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: mild ectoplasm, neck lengthening, frequent paralysis, mauve irises
Cure: drink lots of water
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unseelie’s Disorder
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: mild sore throat, screaming, bowel infrequency
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UnspokenVoice’s Syndrome
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: grimacing, diarrhea, listlessness, breathing difficulties
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unsung_Zerorosis
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: receding gums, vague paranoia, American accent
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unsuspendedosis
Cause: cursed amulet
Symptoms: murderous rage, skin whitening, laughing
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UponTheFortres3osis
Cause: unknown
Symptoms: whistling, vague nightmares, slightly orange irises, skin whitening
Cure: drink five pints of beer with meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UPood’s Disorder
Cause: thinking too hard
Symptoms: shivering, vertigo, vague rapid heartbeat, occasional froglike eyes
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrBad2itis
Cause: caught in hospitals
Symptoms: metallic skin, excessive earache, bruising
Cure: take two spoons of cod liver oil every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Urban_Squirrel’s Disorder
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: fangs, appetite changes, bleeding gums
Cure: drink lots of water
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrbanChicosis
Cause: early mornings
Symptoms: imperceptibly dry rot, food cravings, aphasia, dementia
Cure: take a few spoons of cod liver oil a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrbaneMonkey’s Syndrome
Cause: natural sign of aging
Symptoms: blinking, rotten teeth, moodiness, panic attacks
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrbaniaKosis
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: going bump in the night, dizziness, dry rot
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrnOfTheWater’s Disease
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: frequent paralysis, tongue forking, mildly grey skin
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrsulaV’s Syndrome
Cause: smoking
Symptoms: fear of the number thirteen, vomiting, clicking sounds, dry rot
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
USAosis
Cause: drug abuse
Symptoms: mild 80s haircut, vague euphoria, vague dehydration
Cure: fresh air
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Usagi_Usako_Chi’s Disorder
Cause: caught in hospitals
Symptoms: blindness, smell of brimstone, beeping
Cure: drink lots of water
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Usagi_Sama’s Disorder
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: frequent facial hair, blinking, tentacle growth
Cure: take a hundred Viagra tablets every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Usagiko’s Syndrome
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: sudden colour blindness, squeaky voice, rapid heartbeat, high blood pressure
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Useless_Dragon’s Syndrome
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: excessive skin lesions, watery eyes, gastrointestinal bleeding, speaking in tongues
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Username’s Syndrome
Cause: watching too much television
Symptoms: vomiting blood, sudden stigmata, glowing, leg swelling
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
USoccerGurl’s Lurgy
Cause: spaceborne bacteria
Symptoms: talking like a pirate, mild lust, extremely pointy ears
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Uwkyler’s Disease
Cause: drug abuse
Symptoms: green vomit, paralysis, occasional photophobia, excessive deafness
Cure: fresh air
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