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Doctor Unheimlich, X (XSimplyPerfectX)

Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X__WatchAndLurnitis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: feather growth, extremely cloudy urine, face blurring when photographed
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Breakdown’s Syndrome
Cause: mobile phone radiation
Symptoms: tooth lengthening, excessive pale skin, occasional tooth loss, being able to fire webs from wrists
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Earthgirl_X’s Lurgy
Cause: overwork
Symptoms: wrist swelling, dry skin, pustules
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Hollow_Xitis
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: brain swelling, vomiting blood, extremely mauve ears
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Luminescence’s Syndrome
Cause: unknown
Symptoms: loss of dress sense, frequent bowel movements, occasional jaw dislocation
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Marissahhosis
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: slightly rosy cheeks, hand tremors, slightly high blood-alcohol level, mildly pointy ears
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
X_Teh_Fashionitis
Cause: bee sting
Symptoms: warts, tufts of hair, fingernail lengthening
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xallixitis
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: screaming, appetite changes, grimacing
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xamonthiene’s Lurgy
Cause: viral
Symptoms: speaking in tongues, steam whistling from ears, screaming, vague tongue retraction
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xanthososis
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: dolphin noises, winking, ringing in the ears, depression
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XaosWolfitis
Cause: improperly prepared alcohol
Symptoms: long hair, rosy cheeks, neck lengthening
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XBennXosis
Cause: natural sign of aging
Symptoms: sores, fear, arm numbness
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XCareBearLvrXitis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: -1 Strength, -2 Charisma, excess saliva, vague long hair, metallic spots
Cure: fire
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XDearClaudioXosis
Cause: a blow to the head
Symptoms: itching, leaning at 45 degrees, itching
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xdtlax’s Lurgy
Cause: sexually transmitted
Symptoms: embarrassing noises, wheezing, extreme arm numbness, sarcasm
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XeniaJoy’s Syndrome
Cause: just one of those things
Symptoms: anxiety, terror, ankle swelling
Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xerro’s Syndrome
Cause: a significant alignment of the stars
Symptoms: foot swelling, jaw dislocation, occasional earache, collapsed lungs
Cure: take three anti-depressants every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XIBakeCakesitis
Cause: computer virus
Symptoms: mild chi imbalance, night terrors, vomiting, whistling
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XInvalidX’s Syndrome
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: occasional hair growth, revolving neck, vague feather growth, leaning at 45 degrees
Cure: drink four cups of tea a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XJetGirlXosis
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: vague fear, hovering, dizziness
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XKidMidnightXosis
Cause: running too fast
Symptoms: excessive smell of brimstone, extra legs, dry eyes
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XKissikX’s Syndrome
Cause: old library books
Symptoms: hair tangling, spontaneous combustion, flashing eyes
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XKissMeKillMeXosis
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: narcolepsy, vague acidic blood, enhanced vision, extreme breast pain
Cure: click heels together three times
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XMaizieX13osis
Cause: bee sting
Symptoms: grimacing, knee swelling, aggression
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XMonkeyDust’s Syndrome
Cause: genetically-modified salt
Symptoms: gills, bleeding gums, sudden 80s haircut
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XMonkeyMeat’s Lurgy
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: extremely beige skin, hand tremors, hearing voices
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xm00nfireX’s Disorder
Cause: computer virus
Symptoms: sores, phantom pregnancy, chi imbalance, frequent dislike of modern architecture
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XNikki118Xosis
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: squawking, sores, walking like an Egyptian
Cure: take two leeches every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XOrangeDuckyX’s Lurgy
Cause: a significant alignment of the stars
Symptoms: extremely rosy cheeks, peeling skin, Guy Fawking of the leg, slightly impaired vision
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XOSecretsOX’s Lurgy
Cause: peer pressure
Symptoms: bushy eyebrows, vague second-degree burns, sudden tunnel vision
Cure: take three ibuprofen every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XOX_Spicey_XOX’s Syndrome
Cause: stress
Symptoms: face swelling, Hitler mustache, hand swelling
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xploderosis
Cause: lack of alcohol
Symptoms: frequent Hitler mustache, skin whitening, loss of libido
Cure: eat more sausages
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xploder12’s Disorder
Cause: genetically-modified chewing gum
Symptoms: gargling, arm numbness, hairy legs
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XPinkFridayXosis
Cause: a significant alignment of the stars
Symptoms: abdominal pain, excessive listlessness, glimpses of underlying reality
Cure: take two ibuprofen and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XPrivate_EyeX’s Lurgy
Cause: natural sign of aging
Symptoms: frequent sores, metallic spots, whistling
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XSevenXGatesX’s Syndrome
Cause: spaceborne bacteria
Symptoms: black hair, enlarged liver and spleen, polka-dot irises
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XSimplyPerfectXosis
Cause: early mornings
Symptoms: déjà vu, extremely chapped lips, talking like a pirate
Cure: expensive biofeedback devices
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XSuperGoddessX’s Disease
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: lust, ankle swelling, extreme shoulder pain
Cure: fresh air
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XSweatPeaX’s Lurgy
Cause: stress
Symptoms: appetite changes, extremely blocked nose, red skin, occasional acidic blood
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XThePyrorosis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: necrosis, vague halo, glimpses of underlying reality, wing growth
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Xtreyu’s Lurgy
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: vague dislike of modern architecture, mild reflective shots, hair tangling, sudden loss of libido
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XUntitledXosis
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: extremely watery eyes, extreme electric shocks, frequent tunnel vision, blinking
Cure: take four shots of morphine and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XVividXDreamsXitis
Cause: secret military experiments
Symptoms: sudden anger, skin whitening, frequent lack of reflection in mirrors
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXCandyPantsXXitis
Cause: lack of honey
Symptoms: drooping eyelids, ringing in the ears, seizures, death
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXHistrionicXX’s Lurgy
Cause: overconsumption of burgers
Symptoms: occasional reflective shots, back pain, extremely swollen appendix, occasional suicidal thoughts
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXLoreleiXXosis
Cause: Egyptian curse
Symptoms: memory loss, bleeding gums, excessive chills, appetite changes
Cure: take three shots of morphine every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXM0rbidLust’s Syndrome
Cause: smoking
Symptoms: squawking, hand swelling, sudden facial hair
Cure: bleach
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXPatienceXXitis
Cause: poor hygiene
Symptoms: insomnia, sudden constipation, walking like an Egyptian
Cure: consume more alcohol
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXRosencrantzXX’s Disease
Cause: viral
Symptoms: buzzing noises, cloudy urine, speaking in tongues
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
XXTriplesXX’s Disease
Cause: too much sleep
Symptoms: blurred vision, gargling, frequent tallness, dancing
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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