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Doctor Unheimlich, U (Unconventional)

Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Uber_Troll’s Syndrome
Cause: monkey bite
Symptoms: frequent tentacle growth, neck lengthening, forgetfulness
Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Ujiekitis
Cause: genetic mutation
Symptoms: extremely pointy ears, shouting, stiffness, hair loss
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Umeko_Pyon’s Syndrome
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: mild anxiety, foot swelling, occasional tongue retraction
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Umop_Ap!sdn’s Lurgy
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: walking like an Egyptian, night terrors, coughing, frequent incontinence
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Un_Emo_Kidosis
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: extremely watery eyes, extreme electric shocks, frequent tunnel vision, blinking
Cure: take four shots of morphine and come back in the morning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unaboard’s Disorder
Cause: excessive Internet usage
Symptoms: excessive paralysis, steam whistling from ears, delusions
Cure: take a dozen placebo tablets every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unconventional’s Disorder
Cause: poor hygiene
Symptoms: incontinence, groin swelling, occasional fear, wheezing
Cure: take a dozen shots of morphine a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Und1sk0osis
Cause: viral
Symptoms: frequent muscle spasms, vague foot numbness, frequent nosebleeds, howling at the moon
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Understateditis
Cause: mosquito bite
Symptoms: bleeding gums, vague pyromania, walking like an Egyptian, cloudy urine
Cure: take two spoons of cough medicine before going to bed
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Understimulated’s Syndrome
Cause: genetic mutation
Symptoms: mildly cloudy urine, brain swelling, flushing
Cure: sleep
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unheimlich’s Disorder
Cause: Egyptian curse
Symptoms: vomiting blood, fingernail biting, extreme tunnel vision, hovering
Cure: prayer
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UnicycleChick’s Lurgy
Cause: cursed amulet
Symptoms: feather growth, nosebleeds, electric shocks, steam whistling from ears
Cure: take two purple crystals a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UniquelyNormal’s Lurgy
Cause: monkey bite
Symptoms: excessive bursts of flame, wheezing, grimacing
Cure: infect someone else
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UniquelyStupid’s Disease
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: going bump in the night, face swelling, levitation
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UnjustSociety’s Disorder
Cause: watching too much television
Symptoms: foaming at the mouth, panic attacks, extremely crossed eyes, coughing
Cure: none
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unknown_LJ_User’s Lurgy
Cause: computer virus
Symptoms: mildly dry skin, humming, extreme constipation
Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UnprettyMe’s Disease
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: mild ectoplasm, neck lengthening, frequent paralysis, mauve irises
Cure: drink lots of water
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unseelie’s Disorder
Cause: influence of the Devil
Symptoms: mild sore throat, screaming, bowel infrequency
Cure: don’t do it again
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UnspokenVoice’s Syndrome
Cause: sporting injury
Symptoms: grimacing, diarrhea, listlessness, breathing difficulties
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unsung_Zerorosis
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: receding gums, vague paranoia, American accent
Cure: Kryptonite
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Unsuspendedosis
Cause: cursed amulet
Symptoms: murderous rage, skin whitening, laughing
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UponTheFortres3osis
Cause: unknown
Symptoms: whistling, vague nightmares, slightly orange irises, skin whitening
Cure: drink five pints of beer with meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UPood’s Disorder
Cause: thinking too hard
Symptoms: shivering, vertigo, vague rapid heartbeat, occasional froglike eyes
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrBad2itis
Cause: caught in hospitals
Symptoms: metallic skin, excessive earache, bruising
Cure: take two spoons of cod liver oil every day for the rest of your life
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Urban_Squirrel’s Disorder
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: fangs, appetite changes, bleeding gums
Cure: drink lots of water
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrbanChicosis
Cause: early mornings
Symptoms: imperceptibly dry rot, food cravings, aphasia, dementia
Cure: take a few spoons of cod liver oil a day until it goes away
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrbaneMonkey’s Syndrome
Cause: natural sign of aging
Symptoms: blinking, rotten teeth, moodiness, panic attacks
Cure: psychiatry
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrbaniaKosis
Cause: dancing
Symptoms: going bump in the night, dizziness, dry rot
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrnOfTheWater’s Disease
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: frequent paralysis, tongue forking, mildly grey skin
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
UrsulaV’s Syndrome
Cause: smoking
Symptoms: fear of the number thirteen, vomiting, clicking sounds, dry rot
Cure: acupuncture
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
USAosis
Cause: drug abuse
Symptoms: mild 80s haircut, vague euphoria, vague dehydration
Cure: fresh air
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Usagi_Usako_Chi’s Disorder
Cause: caught in hospitals
Symptoms: blindness, smell of brimstone, beeping
Cure: drink lots of water
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Usagi_Sama’s Disorder
Cause: poor dental hygiene
Symptoms: frequent facial hair, blinking, tentacle growth
Cure: take a hundred Viagra tablets every day before meals
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Usagiko’s Syndrome
Cause: hot weather
Symptoms: sudden colour blindness, squeaky voice, rapid heartbeat, high blood pressure
Cure: trepanning
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Useless_Dragon’s Syndrome
Cause: lack of fresh air
Symptoms: excessive skin lesions, watery eyes, gastrointestinal bleeding, speaking in tongues
Cure: electroshock therapy
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Username’s Syndrome
Cause: watching too much television
Symptoms: vomiting blood, sudden stigmata, glowing, leg swelling
Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
USoccerGurl’s Lurgy
Cause: spaceborne bacteria
Symptoms: talking like a pirate, mild lust, extremely pointy ears
Cure: take a day off work
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with
Uwkyler’s Disease
Cause: drug abuse
Symptoms: green vomit, paralysis, occasional photophobia, excessive deafness
Cure: fresh air
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