Doctor Unheimlich, O-Om (Oligarchist)
Doctor Unheimlich’s Disease Registry
Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with O’Daniel’s Syndrome |
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Cause: | mosquito bite |
Symptoms: | flaccidity, ringing in the ears, occasional terror |
Cure: | exercise |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Occchik’s Disease |
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Cause: | bad beer |
Symptoms: | shouting, forgetfulness, squawking |
Cure: | bleach |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OccipitalDruid’s Syndrome |
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Cause: | natural sign of aging |
Symptoms: | grey saliva, toe numbness, extreme death |
Cure: | take three aspirin with meals |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Occuring’s Lurgy |
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Cause: | pollen |
Symptoms: | vegetarianism, colour blindness, tooth loss, nightmares |
Cure: | none |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OctobeRust’s Disorder |
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Cause: | bee sting |
Symptoms: | abdominal pain, excessive vestigial extra head, beeping, mildly enlarged liver and spleen |
Cure: | click heels together three times |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Odaranosis |
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Cause: | stress |
Symptoms: | tongue swelling, extremely enhanced vision, sudden chest pain, snoring |
Cure: | don’t do it again |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Off’s Lurgy |
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Cause: | poor dental hygiene |
Symptoms: | belching, collapsed lungs, dry rot, indigestion |
Cure: | drink lots of water |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OfficialGaiman’s Syndrome |
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Cause: | genetically-modified alcohol |
Symptoms: | vomiting, whitening of teeth, lockjaw, extremely cockney accent |
Cure: | exercise |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Offsprng588’s Disease |
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Cause: | old library books |
Symptoms: | peeling skin, darkening of urine, excessive flaccidity |
Cure: | acupuncture |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Oh_C0mely’s Disorder |
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Cause: | dancing |
Symptoms: | extremely crossed eyes, extreme water retention, frequent acidic blood, loose teeth |
Cure: | fresh air |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Oh_No_Bad_Touch’s Syndrome |
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Cause: | viral |
Symptoms: | wing growth, sweating, face swelling |
Cure: | don’t do it again |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OhButItsShinyitis |
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Cause: | psychological |
Symptoms: | abdominal swelling, howling at the moon, hair tangling |
Cure: | take four vitamin C tablets a day until it goes away |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Ohh_Rissa’s Lurgy |
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Cause: | poor dental hygiene |
Symptoms: | vague anger, pale skin, headaches, mild American accent |
Cure: | drink lots of water |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OhIRomeosis |
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Cause: | drug abuse |
Symptoms: | nosebleeds, wheezing, inability to turn neck |
Cure: | take a few sprigs of belladonna and come back in the morning |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OhLawdy’s Disease |
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Cause: | cursed amulet |
Symptoms: | automatic writing, back pain, extremely high temperature, frequent tentacle growth |
Cure: | sleep |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OhNoTheyDidnt’s Syndrome |
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Cause: | Egyptian curse |
Symptoms: | hair loss, vague aphasia, floating hair |
Cure: | attempt to repeat cause |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OhOneOhOne’s Syndrome |
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Cause: | Egyptian curse |
Symptoms: | walking like an Egyptian, vague lumps, mild fear of drowning |
Cure: | drink four cups of tea with meals |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OhPaintBrushosis |
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Cause: | genetic mutation |
Symptoms: | vague Hitler mustache, glowing, flashing eyes, suicidal thoughts |
Cure: | prayer |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OILoveUJameth’s Disease |
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Cause: | just one of those things |
Symptoms: | screaming, buzzing noises, occasional deafness |
Cure: | attempt to repeat cause |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OKCupiditis |
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Cause: | allergy to coffee |
Symptoms: | vague nosebleeds, excessive acne, mild levitation |
Cure: | take three spoons of cough medicine with meals |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OKnowsosis |
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Cause: | peer pressure |
Symptoms: | speaking in tongues, dementia, déjà vu |
Cure: | click heels together three times |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Old_Age‘s Syndrome |
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Cause: | natural sign of aging |
Symptoms: | aversion to bright light, absenteeism, seeing dead people, excessive loss of weight |
Cure: | click heels together three times |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Old_Girl’s Lurgy |
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Cause: | caught in hospitals |
Symptoms: | chest hair growth, grey skin, excessive sore throat |
Cure: | take a dozen placebo tablets every day for the rest of your life |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OlegPaschenko’s Syndrome |
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Cause: | lack of squirty cream in diet |
Symptoms: | extreme nosebleeds, shouting, frequent loss of weight |
Cure: | take a few Viagra tablets every day before meals |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Oligarchist’s Disorder |
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Cause: | spaceborne bacteria |
Symptoms: | drooping eyelids, drooping eyelids, occasional hives, rashes |
Cure: | paint a black cross on your front door and wait |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Ollieitis |
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Cause: | just one of those things |
Symptoms: | frequent vestigial extra head, turning into a giant monster, slightly green skin |
Cure: | wake up and realise it was all just a dream |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Omake_Don’s Disorder |
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Cause: | allergy to sausages |
Symptoms: | mild facial paralysis, blood powdering, extreme bone pain |
Cure: | take one and a half purple crystals every day before meals |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Omelas’ Disorder |
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Cause: | computer virus |
Symptoms: | face blurring when photographed, fear of the number thirteen, pacing |
Cure: | wake up and realise it was all just a dream |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OMFG_Harakiritis |
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Cause: | spread by rats |
Symptoms: | foaming at the mouth, enhanced vision, bone pain, vague depression |
Cure: | take three placebo tablets every day for the rest of your life |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OMFG_I_R0x0ritis |
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Cause: | lack of sausages in diet |
Symptoms: | high blood-alcohol level, glowing aura, frequent chills |
Cure: | drink lots of water |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OMFG_Its_Rachelitis |
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Cause: | natural sign of aging |
Symptoms: | occasional tree-climbing, bruising, bowel infrequency |
Cure: | expensive biofeedback devices |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OMG_Iconz_’s Lurgy |
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Cause: | too much sleep |
Symptoms: | loss of weight, excessive hot flushes, premature greying, vague Hitler mustache |
Cure: | take two aspirin and come back in the morning |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OMGHi2Furries’ Disease |
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Cause: | early mornings |
Symptoms: | excessive fear of drowning, anger, red skin |
Cure: | Kryptonite |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OmGigiosis |
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Cause: | natural sign of aging |
Symptoms: | headaches, going bump in the night, extreme bladder pain |
Cure: | take two Viagra tablets and come back in the morning |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OMGSayHi2Trolls’ Lurgy |
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Cause: | improperly prepared celery |
Symptoms: | turning to stone, restlessness, excessive hives, slight excess saliva |
Cure: | take three leeches with meals |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with OMGWTFPlz’s Disorder |
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Cause: | allergy to noodles |
Symptoms: | chest pain, pimples, vague heartburn |
Cure: | wake up and realise it was all just a dream |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Omni_Sinrilusitis |
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Cause: | unknown |
Symptoms: | mild rashes, blotchy skin, Guy Fawking of the leg |
Cure: | trepanning |
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Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Omstara’s Disease |
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Cause: | bee sting |
Symptoms: | extremely enhanced vision, wheezing, winking, fear of the number thirteen |
Cure: | acupuncture |
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