Epixome
This is CRAZY LAND.

I’m not your past girlfriends, so be emotionally available!

Korey finally told me another reason why he’s been pushing me away. Seems that his last three relationships have involved a lot of hurt, especially since one of his girlfriends “sided with her family” and “killed their kid.” No wonder he thinks mine brainwashes ME! I guess he’s been keeping distant and not EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE because I “have to prove myself” by getting married. Now I understand certain comments that he’s made in the past – but I don’t want to be pressured. I know these are his honest feelings, and not everything is about ME… but really. He says he knows how to be emotionally available, and will be that way after marriage… I dunno. I kinda think that a relationship is a “proving ground” of sorts: if you can’t demonstrate certain things while you’re dating, how do I know you can do those things after marriage? (which is much more permanent!) He terms tonight’s dinner at Jeremy’s as “gallivanting around with my other boyfriend whom I can flirt with and dream about” (I admit J’s grin IS cool!), but really. I had to meet Jon later than I said so, heh. 😉

We’ve been dating almost thirteen months and things should (?) get serious, and I know he doesn’t understand why I’m “holding back.” Maybe it’s because I really don’t know what I want, or I want something he can’t give me, or…. I really have no idea. Perhaps it’s the past? [is glad Mom went to thrift shop] Also, he doesn’t think it’s cute when I try to smell him – it’s annoying, he says. I just want to be with him, is all… but not if he can’t be with me? Blah. Too confused!

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