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365 Stupidest Things Ever Said: March 2007

These stupid quotes are from The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Page-A-Day Calendar 2007.

Page-A-Day Calendars

Thursday, Mar. 1: The Pentagon… Always So Verbose

Pentagon description of Titan II nuclear missile: A very large potentially disruptive re-entry system.

Friday, Mar. 2: Thanks, But No Thanks

“Genital wart volunteers needed” – classified ad in the Washington Post

Saturday, Mar. 3: I Think We Can Figure Out Where This Film Is Heading

Girl: Excuse me – how far is it to Camp Crystal Lake?
[everyone looks at her in horror]
Waitress [after an ominous silence]: What is it, Enos, about twenty miles?
Truck driver: About that.
Local woman: Camp BLOOD? They’re opening that place again?
– from the movie Friday the 13th (1980)

Sunday, Mar. 4: Something’s A Little Wrong Here…

“You should not leave someone’s ashes on a doorstep, whether they are deceased or not.” – funeral director Tim Bull

Monday, Mar. 5: Virgins Who Take It Really Seriously

VIRGIN HOLDS OFF 10,000 IN PEACHTREE – headline in the Lewiston (Idaho) Morning Tribune, about long-distance runner Craig Virgin’s victory in the Atlanta Peachtree Classic race

Tuesday, Mar. 6: Serious Congressional Threats

“If you don’t get those cameras out of my face, I’m gonna go 8.6 on the Richter scale with gastric emissions that’ll clear this room!” – Congressman James Traficant (D-Ohio) to photojournalists covering his House ethics subcommittee hearing

Wednesday, Mar. 7: What Does An Abnormal Inverting Sparkle Look Like?

OPERATION…

2. CHECK BEFORE BEING USED: Let the tool have nonloading for one minute and see whether the function of the transmission position is flexible and there is abnormal noise, and the scraws become flexible and fall off and the inverting sparkle is normal or not.
– instructions for an electric hand drill made in China (thanks to Paul Brogger)

Thursday, Mar. 8: Weird Tennis Commentary

“As Boris Becker sits there, his eyes staring out in front of him, I wonder what he’s thinking. I think he’s thinking: “I am Boris Becker.” At least, I hope that’s what he’s thinking.” – tennis commentator John Barrett

Friday, Mar. 9: Uh, Just WHAT Were You Going To Say!

“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said, and the reason I am going to say it is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.” – lawyer speaking to a judge, recorded in court testimony

Saturday, Mar. 10: It Depends What the Meaning of “Forever” Is

“I think when you get married, it should be forever. Even though I did get married once, and it was annulled.” – singer Courtney Love

Sunday, Mar. 11: Whizbang Promotional Ideas

FREE SHIPPING WITH ANY PURCHASE WHEN YOU PICK IT UP AT THE STORE – BestBuy.com

Monday, Mar. 12: Well, We Wouldn’t Be Too Concerned About That Then

Reporter: Do you have any concerns about opening your NBA season in Tokyo?
L.A. Clippers forward Bobby Simpson: Well, I don’t like Chinese food.
(thanks to Richard Oberholzer)

Tuesday, Mar. 13: Difficult Propositions

“It’s too early to think about these things, but we can talk about them.” – entertainment radio host Robert Elms

Wednesday, Mar. 14: Clichés We’ve Never Heard Before

“Free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat.” – President George W. Bush

Thursday, Mar. 15: We Get The Point

“We were scoring, they were scoring. Then we stopped scoring and they kept scoring.” – basketball player Tyronn Lue, on his team’s seven-minute scoring drought in the fourth quarter of a game (thanks to Richard Oberholzer)

Friday, Mar. 16: Just What Kind of Church is This, Anyway?

Dedication and commencement of Ecumenical Stud Groups on the theme “Growing Together.” – from a church newsletter, Greater Manchester (England) [They meant to write “Study Groups.”]

Saturday, Mar. 17: “Can’t Argue With That” Department

Game show host Bob Eubanks (asking questions of people on the street): A way to a man’s heart is?
Woman: Through beer.

Sunday, Mar. 18: Hospitals: Perfect For The Verbose

“A national magazine says Loma Linda University Medical Center is the place to go for treatment of broken bones, stomach, ear, nose, or throat problems, or blabber ailments.” – San Bernadino (California) Sun (thanks to Tanya Maes)

Monday, Mar. 19: Boy, That’s A Relief!

PANTY PESTS EASY TO CONTROL – headline in the Oconto County (Wisconsin) Reporter

Tuesday, Mar. 20: International Brand Names From Hell

Smeg: refrigerator brand, Japan
CRUDE Fancy and Convenient Kitchen Accessories: kitchen appliance brand, Japan
Assman: audio-equipment brand, Germany

Wednesday, Mar. 21: Funny, We Prefer Burgers and Apple Pie

Reporter: What are your favorite American foods?
Actor Antonio Banderas (newly arrived to America): Francis Ford Coppola and Martin Scorsese.

Thursday, Mar. 22: Vital Traffic Reporting

“The southbound lanes go one way, and the northbound lanes go the other.” – reporter Lyra Manning, during a road-repair update on WTVF-TV (Nashville, Tennessee) [thanks to Jim Rinehart]

Friday, Mar. 23: Signs Which Are A Bit Too Descriptive

MEN
SLIPPERY
WHEN
WET
– sign on a men’s room door, West Virginia

Saturday, Mar. 24: Impolitic Political Insights

“Politics has no place in government.” – Chicago alderman Dorothy J. Tillman, on a local Sunday morning talk show (thanks to David Burnham)

Sunday, Mar. 25: The Problem With Gravy Similes

Billy Bob Thornton: Getting the Oscar nomination is like gravy.
Interviewer: What about winning?
Thornton: Winning would be like whatever is better than gravy.
– actor Billy Bob Thornton, on being nominated for the Best Actor Oscar for his role in Sling Blade

Monday, Mar. 26: Great Moments In Game Shows

Family Feud host Richard Dawson: Name something people walk into accidentally.
Contestant: A movie.

Tuesday, Mar. 27: Fascinating Points

“Had we not got that second goal, the score might well have been different.” – soccer manager David Pleat

Wednesday, Mar. 28: Hopeless Customers

Tech support: Thank you for calling. May I have your area code and phone number, please?
[silence]
Tech support: May I have your area code and phone number, please?
Customer: I just have a question.
Tech support: Okay, how can I help you?
Customer: How do I find out my area code?
– actual call to a computer tech support line

Thursday, Mar. 29: Distracting Threats

“The other threats [come from] brutal and repressive states who, because of their brutality, because they don’t actually have the support or consent of their people, are developing weapons that could cause distraction…” – British prime minister Tony Blair

Friday, Mar. 30: Odd T-Shirt Slogans

I TRUSTED THE GOVERNMENT… NOW MY DICK GLOWS IN THE DARK
– slogan on a T-shirt seen on a young woman in Bangkok, Thailand

Saturday, Mar. 31: We’re Not Sure, Either

“This taught me a lesson, but I’m not sure what it is.” – tennis star John McEnroe

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