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365 Stupidest Things Ever Said: January 2007

These stupid quotes are from The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Page-A-Day Calendar 2007.

Page-A-Day Calendars

Monday, Jan. 1: Fascinating Autobiographical Insights

“The past has been a big part of my life.” – Paul Burrell, former butler to Princess Diana

Tuesday, Jan. 2: Now WHAT Chapter is This Again?

“That’s a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century.” – President George W. Bush, on the Monica Lewinsky scandal

Wednesday, Jan. 3: Why Kids are Tough Interview Subjects

Host of Baby Races to a little boy: Say “Hi.”
Little boy: Hi.
Host: Oh, there ya go. We’re going to play a great game down here called “Sit on It.” You ever play at the sandbox or the beach and all kinds of stuff?
Little boy: I’m gonna go potty.

Thursday, Jan. 4: Could You Whistle A Few Bars?

“Do you have a recording of Astrud Gilberto singing The Girl From Emphysema?” – customer at a Times Square (New York) record store

Friday, Jan. 5: Just Another One of Those Cheese Poems

ODE ON THE MAMMOTH CHEESE WEIGHING OVER 7000 POUNDS

We have seen thee, queen of cheese,
Lying quietly at your ease.
Gently fanned by the evening breeze,
Thy fair form no flies dare seize.
– poet James McIntyre, from the book Very Bad Poetry

Saturday, Jan. 6: Astronauts and Basic Needs

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT – newspaper headline

Sunday, Jan. 7: Zoo Patrons, Not Much Smarter than the Average Bear

Will we see animals on the tour?
How long is the 35-minute bus tour?
You have signs all over with maps that say “You are here.” Why don’t they put that on the handheld maps so we can figure out where we are?

– questions asked of a San Diego Zoo tour bus driver (thanks to Barbara Glaeser)

Monday, Jan. 8: Noisy Dwellings

“I sold my house and moved into a pandemonium.” – Toronto mayor Allan Lamport

Tuesday, Jan. 9: You Should Have Dined In

Takeout order taker: May I have your name, please?
Customer: Bill.
Order taker: John?
Customer: No, Bill.
Order taker: Dion?
Customer: Bill.
Order taker: Jill?
Customer: No, Bill. Do you know Bill Clinton?
Order taker: Yes.
Customer: My name is Bill, like in Bill Clinton.
Order taker: Okay, Dill Clinton. May I take your order, Sir Dill?
– exchange on the phone at a Manila takeout restaurant

Wednesday, Jan. 10: Actor’s Thoughts About Crucial Planetary Preferences

“I’ve always liked Saturn. But I also have some sympathy for Pluto because I heard it’s been downgraded from a planet, and I think it should remain a planet. Once you give something planetary status, it’s kind of mean to take it away.” – actor Jared Leto

Thursday, Jan. 11: Judges Who Are A Little Too Persevering

Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right. How do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course. You might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay, I was your bookie.
– recorded in court testimony

Friday, Jan. 12: Very Stupid Answers

Game show host Ron Lange: Give me the definition of the word “innuendo.”
Woman #1: Unending.
Man #1: Uh, that’s the capital of Greece.
Woman #2: It’s an Italian pastry.
Man #2: The end of the end.
Woman #3: Something that happens in bed.
Man #3: I know that one. It’s a Greek suppository.

Saturday, Jan. 13: Kung-Fu Threats

“Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.” – English subtitle for a Hong Kong kung-fu film

Sunday, Jan. 14: Three-Footed NFL Receivers

“Upon further review, the receiver gained possession of the ball and, after getting both feet down, dragged his other foot on the ground before going out of bounds.” – referee during a Bengals-Patriots game (thanks to Jeff Dafler)

Monday, Jan. 15: I Scream For Ice Cream

Raw Horseflesh Ice Cream
Lettuce Potato Ice Cream
Shark’s Fin Noodle Ice Cream
Goat Ice Cream
Deep Sea Water
– ice cream flavors available at Ice Cream City, Tokyo

Tuesday, Jan. 16: Agents… Alas, All Too Typical

Talent agent Lew Grade: Twenty-five is ridiculous. I can get you forty. Who’s your agent?
Actor: You are.

Wednesday, Jan. 17: Thanks Soooo Much, Dr. Gott

DEAR DR. GOTT: I’ve been diagnosed with abnormal liver enzymes, but my doctor failed to explain what this means. Can you help?
DEAR READER: The liver, one of the body’s most vital organs, carries out multiple complex varied functions… The mostly bourgeois subways laughed however five angst-ridden fountains abused Quark, Minnesota towed one bureau, yet five Jabberwockies tastes one cat. Batman ran away, then the fountains quickly tastes one mat.
– from the Kokomo (Indiana) Tribune (thanks to Vicki and Charles Gott)

Thursday, Jan. 18: Slogans That Don’t Quite Make It

BE HALF AS FRESH AS THE DAY IS LONG – slogan on tampons, Japan

Friday, Jan. 19: Racy Bronzes

896 COLIN: A bronze of a young blacksmith wearing only a leather apron, his tool in hand. Signed and bearing a foundry mark, 13½ inches high. – H.Y. Duke & Son auction catalog

Saturday, Jan. 20: Fascinating Football Facts

ILLEGAL MOTION: Movement by an offensive player before the play starts. There are movements that are allowed, but the illegal ones are not. – from the Better Homes and Gardens “Football Primer,” on BHG (thanks to Frank Yates)

Sunday, Jan. 21: See, Marion, It’s Kinda Their Job…

“What right does Congress have to go around making laws, just because they deem it necessary?” – Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry

Monday, Jan. 22: Oh Gosh! He Was The First Man on the Moon, and Now He’s Won the Tour De France!!

99 CONGRATULATIONS NEIL ARMSTRONG ON WINNING YOUR 9TH TOUR DE FRANCE
– ad by a 99-cent shop in the Las Vegas Sun

Tuesday, Jan. 23: Royal Freudian Slips

“In my opinion, he will make a great king. He is a young man wise beyond his ears.” – industrialist Armand Hammer on Prince Charles

Wednesday, Jan. 24: Maybe You’ve Got To Get Past Page 5

“What is the name of the memory book you just got me? It’s a book about memorizing. It’s a memory book.” – actress Carmen Electra, to a male companion, when asked by the New York Daily News what book she was reading

Thursday, Jan. 25: Contestants and Letter Identification Problems

Weakest Link host Anne Robinson: What word beginning with “A” is another name for the white of an egg?
Contestant: Yolk.

Friday, Jan. 26: Care To Rephrase That? Department

Female TV news anchor to male weatherman, regarding snowfall amounts: “Where’s that six inches you promised me last night?” – on a Nebraska news show (thanks to Stu Roach)

Saturday, Jan. 27: Not Great Reporting About Reports

“The report speaks for itself. It’s a very good report. It’s a very long report. I haven’t read the report yet.” – British Member of Parliament Keith Vaz

Sunday, Jan. 28: VERY Big Cities

“I’m looking forward to playing the Timberwolves. I’ve never been to the city of Minnesota.” – Denver Nuggets player Carmelo Anthony (thanks to Craig Downey)

Monday, Jan. 29: Gender Confusion

WANTED: BOY WAITRESS
– sign at a restaurant in Baguio, Philippines

Tuesday, Jan. 30: Great Senate Majority Leader Moments in REALLY Caring

“Get some devastation in the back.” – Senate Majority Leader Bill First (R-Tennessee) to an aide during a photo op, while visiting tsunami-ravaged Sri Lanka

Wednesday, Jan. 31: Forgive Us, But We’re Not Quite Getting Your Point, Bobby

“When it rains, it snows.” – Florida State University football coach Bobby Bowden

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